Rachel’s Vineyard testamonial
(The following letter is a testimony given by a woman in the Indianapolis area who participated in an archdiocesan Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat.)
I skimmed through my weekly Criterion newspaper as usual. At the time, I felt I was being called to seek some more spiritual development for myself as I knew from personal experience about God’s astounding works and merely wanted to continue striving to be closer to Him.
While I scanned the headlines, I noticed an article about the Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat. I thought to myself, this sounds absolutely perfect. ... What could be more wonderful than a retreat held in a beautiful vineyard somewhere in Indiana? I wondered, “Who could ‘Rachel’ be?”
As I read the first paragraph, I became distraught and bewildered. There it was in my face, in black and white: “Women and men who are suffering emotional, psychological and spiritual pain because of past abortions are invited to seek healing and reconciliation with God during the first ever archdiocesan Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. ...”
When I returned to my Catholic faith, I was very careful to hide my secret sin from everyone.
When I heard announcements of pro-life events and/or marches during Mass, I silently endured the anguish as I listened, and I avoided every one of them.
I thought the Catholic Church included some of the strongest pro-lifers and therefore those most repulsed by post-abortive individuals.
With my fear of rejection, how could I ever tell anyone, and how could this source of healing and grace from “the Catholic institution” presented in front of me even be possible?
My heart had sunk to the pit of my stomach and I thought about how I had spent so many years of my life denying my sin. I thought of all my own years of emotional, psychological and spiritual suffering.
After the next few days of reflection, I finally decided to reach out and register for the retreat.
The living Scripture exercises during the retreat guided me back to the day when I learned I was pregnant at 21 years old. Being a single college student, I was thoroughly terrified at how my father would react if he learned the news, and at the time I believed I only had one choice.
I knew if I “took care of it quickly and silently” and had an abortion, nobody would ever find out and all would be well.
I was so wrong. I spent the rest of my life dealing with depression, addictions, fear that the wrong person would find out and self abuse, all the while avoiding the reality of the one sin for which I could never be forgiven, despite my numerous confessions.
The living Scripture exercises helped me know and feel Jesus and the grace of his mercy and love, and realize that this actually was a forgivable sin.
The Holy Spirit worked through me and the other post-abortive men and women to allow the healing of our souls. I also learned that I was not alone in suffering secretly, and that others had the similar experience of living in silent anguish amongst family members’ and/or friends’ harsh criticisms of the sin.
I also realized the sobering truth that for each abortion, both a mother and a father may have suffered deeply for their loss.
Most importantly, I learned that it is not only possible but absolutely crucial that I forgive myself as He commands.
“… Just one thing: forgetting what lies behind but straining forward to what lies ahead, I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God’s upward calling, in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).
Each of has our own stories, situations and sins—some of us worse than others. Despite any of our sins, we are all God’s children and He loves each of us tenderly and lovingly.
If you have had an experience with abortion, I would encourage you to reach out toward God’s upward calling and register for the Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat this summer. If you know of anyone who may have—or even suspect they may have—had an abortion, I would encourage you to share this information and the opportunity for healing with them in your own way.
May God’s blessings and peace be with all of you.